Tag Archives: HAPPY

Why bother?

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Why bother working on your relationship? Life happens and your relationship happens right along with it. There is no time to work on a relationship with your jobs, children, money worries and more. Working on it takes work.

Well, what if you could be happier? What if it felt like life became smoother? What if you felt like you had a partner who always had your back, who had your best interests at heart? A wise man once said that a great relationship was one were each person took care of the other persons needs, so much so that the first person didn’t even need to think about what they wanted. That way they never needed to worry about what they needed because it was taken care of. This might be an ideal to strive for, or not but it does make one think. There really is no end or finish line for a good relationship. It can just keep building, developing, growing and deepening. 

With today’s incredibly fast-paced and over scheduled life you might believe working on your relationship is a good idea but not for you or not right now. I would like to suggest trying to put just a little more attention on your communication or affection, something that would demonstrate to your partner that they are important. It doesn’t take any effort and hardly any time but the rewards are tremendous. Why don’t you try it, you’ll like it.

Would you rather be right or be happy?

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We get a lot of people who come in because their fights have escalated to the point where they no longer want to be together. They talk about how they can’t get out of them and how no one is willing to take the first step to ending it. What does it take to stop the habit of an ever-escalating pattern where both of you always want to be right?

The answer is….. making the other person feel heard. What that means is that you temporarily put aside the point or points you want to make and listen to what they have to say. Hopefully they will know how to talk about how they feel without blaming you. You can then repeat back or paraphrase what you thought you heard. Your partner will tell you whether you were right or not. If you were right ask your partner to say a little more. Keep the process going for a few minutes. You will be able to tell when your partner is done. There will be a visible sign like a deep sigh, maybe a smile or they might say they have nothing left to talk about. At this point you could talk about what was going on for you OR you could just let it go, appreciating the fact that you are both on good terms again.

After practicing this for a while it would be good to have a discussion about who goes first next time. In a good relationship both partners take turns bringing the relationship back from the brink. That means that when you see something start to escalate between you, one of you takes responsibility for the relationship and calms it down. That means listening to our partner, backing down from your position or just telling your partner that you love them and don’t want to fight. It takes two people to fight and if one of you is not participating then there is no fight. Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?