Tag Archives: Truth

To tell or not to tell…

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How many of us only tell the truth to our partner when absolutely necessary? I talked to someone today who was in a fender bender 6 months ago. She was driving down the street when the woman in front of her slammed on her brakes. She hit her. They stopped and checked for damage. The woman who was hit had no damage. My friend had a small dent. They exchanged information and drove off. Last week (a full 6 months later) my friend was stopped by a policeman for speeding. When the policeman checked her record, he told her that her license had been suspended. Luckily, she had her small child in the car so the officer let her drive home with the understanding that she’d contact DMV in the morning. Imagine her surprise when she found out her license had been suspended due to an unreported accident resulting in an injury! But that wasn’t the worst part. She had explained the small dent in her car to her husband as someone probably hitting her in a parking lot while she was shopping. Oops. Now she had to tell him the truth, the whole truth. Why? Well, not only was her license suspended, but her husband’s license could be taken away as she was driving his car.

How common is it to tell a lie if we think we can get away with it? And why do we feel the need? Fear? Embarrassment? I remember taking our brand new car out for the first time and backing into a mailbox. I was 22 and newly married. When I got home I didn’t say a word. My husband noticed the dent the next morning when he got in the car to drive to work. He was furious. I’m not sure I ever copped to the truth. I was way too scared.

What else do women commonly lie about? The most common lie I hear is women who hide new clothes for a couple weeks. When they finally wear the new clothing and their husband asks, they simply reply: no, this isn’t new. I’ve had it awhile. (Well, it’s kinda true.) I have to admit, I’ve been there. So glad that’s all in my past. It’s way too stressful.

Is my partner the one?

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What if you don’t know if your partner is the right one for you? We have met a lot of people who come into counseling because they have serious doubts about whether they made the right choice in a partner.

The way we work with couples and the way it usually works out is a few sessions of very honest communications. Each person puts their concerns on the table and we work through them. It usually starts with some skill building as very few people are good listeners. The other half of that communication skill is learning how to own what is going on inside you without blaming your partner. Most people don’t even know they are blaming the other and find it difficult to own their own feelings.

After practicing these skills it comes down to being honest about what you don’t like in the relationship and what you would need for it to go forward. It hurts to hear what is being said but if you can get through it and agree to any changes, compromises or requests, then your relationship has a greater chance of succeeding. Sometimes, the clear communication allows both parties to understand what is happening and change happens with an agreement that it really isn’t working. Then the mutual ending is a smooth and oftentimes peaceful one. The last scenario is one where one person doesn’t agree which leads to a lot of sadness in the breakup.

The best outcome, no matter which of these three descriptions happens, depends upon the honesty of both parties. You need to speak your truth but should always make it the “sweet truth”. Don’t go out of your way to make yourself feel good but strive for mutual respect. By doing this you guarantee the best possible outcome, which is always growth.