Tag Archives: FEELINGS

Being present in your marriage

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It’s been a while since our last post. Frankly, we kind of let it go. Life happened. I would think about it from time to time but still did nothing. Today I received a great article that was in the New York Times from one of my clients that inspired me. It inspired me so much that I decided to post it so that I could share it with you. It is a story of a woman who lives in the moment and in doing so, saved her marriage.

Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear
By LAURA A. MUNSON
for the New York Times
Published: July 31, 2009

 

LET’S say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s — gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city bistros when you were single and skinny — have for the most part come true.

Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the children, the dogs and horses. You’re the parents you said you would be, full of love and guidance. You’ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living, stargazing.

Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”

But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

Continue reading →

How to Find a Therapist Who Can Really Help You

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How to Find a Therapist Who Can Really Help You
by Health.com 4/22/08

Finding a therapist who can best help you starts with choosing the right person, but not necessarily the right therapy.

Bruce E. Wampold, PhD, a professor of counseling psychology at the University of Wisconsin–Madison, analyzed data from 6,000 patients seeing more than 500 therapists and found that all schools of talk therapy can work—if the therapist is competent and in sync with his or her patient. Watch this top psychiatrist explain why it’s important that you feel liked by your therapist, and why a growing number of experts are recommending a cognitive behavioral therapy approach for depression.

“It’s important that you agree on the purpose of therapy and how you will accomplish that,” says Keris Myrick, 46, of Pasadena, Calif., who has treatment-resistant depression and is a veteran of the mental health system. But finding the right mix of chemistry, experience, and area of expertise can be elusive.

Ask, “Have you been here?”
“I’m a little biased here, but I think you should go with someone has had to go through the process of therapy,” says Jayne Bloch, a psychoanalyst and member of the National Psychological Association for Psychoanalysis Institute in New York City. “You’re taking this journey to places unknown; it helps to go with someone who’s been there before.”

Some patients, like John Head, of Berkeley, Calif., luck out. “I chose a therapist the wrong way, based on who was closest to where I live. I didn’t ask any questions about methods, training, philosophy. But as it turns out, I got someone very good.”

Joseph, 55, had a different experience. Continue reading →

To tell or not to tell…

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How many of us only tell the truth to our partner when absolutely necessary? I talked to someone today who was in a fender bender 6 months ago. She was driving down the street when the woman in front of her slammed on her brakes. She hit her. They stopped and checked for damage. The woman who was hit had no damage. My friend had a small dent. They exchanged information and drove off. Last week (a full 6 months later) my friend was stopped by a policeman for speeding. When the policeman checked her record, he told her that her license had been suspended. Luckily, she had her small child in the car so the officer let her drive home with the understanding that she’d contact DMV in the morning. Imagine her surprise when she found out her license had been suspended due to an unreported accident resulting in an injury! But that wasn’t the worst part. She had explained the small dent in her car to her husband as someone probably hitting her in a parking lot while she was shopping. Oops. Now she had to tell him the truth, the whole truth. Why? Well, not only was her license suspended, but her husband’s license could be taken away as she was driving his car.

How common is it to tell a lie if we think we can get away with it? And why do we feel the need? Fear? Embarrassment? I remember taking our brand new car out for the first time and backing into a mailbox. I was 22 and newly married. When I got home I didn’t say a word. My husband noticed the dent the next morning when he got in the car to drive to work. He was furious. I’m not sure I ever copped to the truth. I was way too scared.

What else do women commonly lie about? The most common lie I hear is women who hide new clothes for a couple weeks. When they finally wear the new clothing and their husband asks, they simply reply: no, this isn’t new. I’ve had it awhile. (Well, it’s kinda true.) I have to admit, I’ve been there. So glad that’s all in my past. It’s way too stressful.

We have met the enemy and he is us

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Relationships take commitment. That means when things get tough you have to overcome yourself (which usually means your feelings) and work through them. Overcoming ourselves, working through our issues or exploring all facets of our being is what our main work in life is. All the rest is just living. The reason I’ve found that people don’t or won’t do this work is because their feelings become too intense.

This is especially true for men. We need to diminish or remove those feelings, so we get the ‘fight or flight’ syndrome down pat. We can fight either verbally, physically or emotionally. We can take flight either physically or emotionally by just shutting down. Intense feelings are something men just want to get rid of and they will do it any way they can. Boys don’t cry and men don’t express feelings. If we would take just a few minutes to let our partner know what is going on, our relationships would be taken to a new level. It does not mean we need to become girly men. It has been said that it is easier for a man to go to war than to deal with his feelings. When intense feelings come up we feel we are out of control and need to regain the upper hand immediately. We are not out of control. We are just lost in territory that is beginning to be explored. Dealing with some upset in the moment, as it is happening, prevents it from becoming bigger. Taking control of your life means dealing with it, not avoiding it.

Exploring your inner life with your partner is one of the most rewarding and intimate acts you can bring to the relationship. Take a risk and if it doesn’t work the first time don’t stop. If you keep going the rewards will outstrip anything you can imagine.