Tag Archives: FIGHTING

Being present in your marriage

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It’s been a while since our last post. Frankly, we kind of let it go. Life happened. I would think about it from time to time but still did nothing. Today I received a great article that was in the New York Times from one of my clients that inspired me. It inspired me so much that I decided to post it so that I could share it with you. It is a story of a woman who lives in the moment and in doing so, saved her marriage.

Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear
By LAURA A. MUNSON
for the New York Times
Published: July 31, 2009

 

LET’S say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s — gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city bistros when you were single and skinny — have for the most part come true.

Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the children, the dogs and horses. You’re the parents you said you would be, full of love and guidance. You’ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living, stargazing.

Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”

But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

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Would you rather be right or be happy?

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We get a lot of people who come in because their fights have escalated to the point where they no longer want to be together. They talk about how they can’t get out of them and how no one is willing to take the first step to ending it. What does it take to stop the habit of an ever-escalating pattern where both of you always want to be right?

The answer is….. making the other person feel heard. What that means is that you temporarily put aside the point or points you want to make and listen to what they have to say. Hopefully they will know how to talk about how they feel without blaming you. You can then repeat back or paraphrase what you thought you heard. Your partner will tell you whether you were right or not. If you were right ask your partner to say a little more. Keep the process going for a few minutes. You will be able to tell when your partner is done. There will be a visible sign like a deep sigh, maybe a smile or they might say they have nothing left to talk about. At this point you could talk about what was going on for you OR you could just let it go, appreciating the fact that you are both on good terms again.

After practicing this for a while it would be good to have a discussion about who goes first next time. In a good relationship both partners take turns bringing the relationship back from the brink. That means that when you see something start to escalate between you, one of you takes responsibility for the relationship and calms it down. That means listening to our partner, backing down from your position or just telling your partner that you love them and don’t want to fight. It takes two people to fight and if one of you is not participating then there is no fight. Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?