I don’t understand how two people who want their relationship to work find it so difficult to be nice to one another. What part of “treat your partner with love and respect this week” would lead you to believe that swearing and put-downs could work? I know it’s hard to “play nice” when your partner has had a bad day and is not meeting your expectations, but swearing…really? How old are you? Do you want your marriage to work or not? Is it that hard to treat the person you love with some semblance of understanding and love? I know the answer …. sometimes… is yes. But when your marriage literally depends upon it? Come on. Do you think you could be nice for a week if you absolutely had to be nice in order to stay together? Thoughts?
Author Archives: Chuck & Marilyn
Being present in your marriage
It’s been a while since our last post. Frankly, we kind of let it go. Life happened. I would think about it from time to time but still did nothing. Today I received a great article that was in the New York Times from one of my clients that inspired me. It inspired me so much that I decided to post it so that I could share it with you. It is a story of a woman who lives in the moment and in doing so, saved her marriage.
Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear
LET’S say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s — gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city bistros when you were single and skinny — have for the most part come true.
Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the children, the dogs and horses. You’re the parents you said you would be, full of love and guidance. You’ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living, stargazing.
Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”
But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.
How to Find a Therapist Who Can Really Help You
How to Find a Therapist Who Can Really Help You
by Health.com 4/22/08
Finding a therapist who can best help you starts with choosing the right person, but not necessarily the right therapy.
Bruce E. Wampold, PhD, a professor of counseling psychology at the University of Wisconsin–Madison, analyzed data from 6,000 patients seeing more than 500 therapists and found that all schools of talk therapy can work—if the therapist is competent and in sync with his or her patient. Watch this top psychiatrist explain why it’s important that you feel liked by your therapist, and why a growing number of experts are recommending a cognitive behavioral therapy approach for depression.
“It’s important that you agree on the purpose of therapy and how you will accomplish that,” says Keris Myrick, 46, of Pasadena, Calif., who has treatment-resistant depression and is a veteran of the mental health system. But finding the right mix of chemistry, experience, and area of expertise can be elusive.
Ask, “Have you been here?”
“I’m a little biased here, but I think you should go with someone has had to go through the process of therapy,” says Jayne Bloch, a psychoanalyst and member of the National Psychological Association for Psychoanalysis Institute in New York City. “You’re taking this journey to places unknown; it helps to go with someone who’s been there before.”
Some patients, like John Head, of Berkeley, Calif., luck out. “I chose a therapist the wrong way, based on who was closest to where I live. I didn’t ask any questions about methods, training, philosophy. But as it turns out, I got someone very good.”
Joseph, 55, had a different experience. Continue reading
Starting therapy?
We have noticed how often people come to their first session feeling anxious. It is a big step to acknowledge that you need outside help to improve your relationships. Many times we hear from people that they tried to fix their relationship on their own and it didn’t work. Or, people feel they should be able to fix their relationships without having to go to some stranger. We would like to settle this question once and for all.
Most people are Never taught how to have a good relationship. We usually learn how to be in a relationship by watching others. We start by watching our parents interact with each other and usually note what we don’t like and absorb what we do. As we attract our first significant other we practice with them. We then begin to see what works and what doesn’t work for all our friends relationships until we settle into a kind of habit. This habit results from trial and error. Most people will go through the heartbreak of breaking up with someone and being on the other end of being broken up with. We learn how to deal with feelings. We communicate in the best way we know how. Over a long period of time we settle into the way we relate to our partner. Most of the time we find that our relationships are okay, not horrible but not great. After a while a lot of people lose that loving feeling and just settle into life. What if those good feelings for your partner could continue to grow?
When people come to see us and they are feeling anxious it is because they don’t know what to expect. They don’t know if we are going to tell them that they are wrong, if we are going to choose sides, or if it just is not going to help. What we find is that each couple is unique. Some are committed to working through the problems. Others are here to see if something else might work but go home and do nothing different. Still other couples come in and one partner has really already left but is putting on a good show of “trying”. What we tell everyone is that their therapy sessions could be fantastic but if they don’t change how they act with each other at home nothing will change. In order to facilitate that change we give simple homework assignments, sometimes lasting only fifteen minutes, twice a week. We also have you practice new communication skills in the office. This way we can referee when you drop back into your old habits and give you many suggestions on how you could have said something differently. We do a fair amount of talking but balance that with you talking to your partner. You will share your hopes and fears.
We are often asked how long will it take. That is up to you and how hard you work with each other at home. The fastest time that anyone has significantly turned around their relationship was five weeks and the slowest time was two years. The couple that worked fast had a deep connection and love for each other that made them want to try everything. When they did and it worked they tried even harder. The couple that took longer both had difficulty trusting their self and their partner. They had to work on personal issues while trying to make a relationship work. In the end it worked because they were in it for the long haul. We have seen that when both people have a deep commitment to making their relationship work, it eventually will.
The Last Lecture
Randy Pausch’s beautifully moving story, The Last Lecture, about how he dealt with his terminal illness. He gave the lecture and wrote the book mainly to let his young children learn more about him. A must for anyone who has children or wants to learn more about love in life. Here is the 76 minute video and here is the book.
To tell or not to tell…
How many of us only tell the truth to our partner when absolutely necessary? I talked to someone today who was in a fender bender 6 months ago. She was driving down the street when the woman in front of her slammed on her brakes. She hit her. They stopped and checked for damage. The woman who was hit had no damage. My friend had a small dent. They exchanged information and drove off. Last week (a full 6 months later) my friend was stopped by a policeman for speeding. When the policeman checked her record, he told her that her license had been suspended. Luckily, she had her small child in the car so the officer let her drive home with the understanding that she’d contact DMV in the morning. Imagine her surprise when she found out her license had been suspended due to an unreported accident resulting in an injury! But that wasn’t the worst part. She had explained the small dent in her car to her husband as someone probably hitting her in a parking lot while she was shopping. Oops. Now she had to tell him the truth, the whole truth. Why? Well, not only was her license suspended, but her husband’s license could be taken away as she was driving his car.
How common is it to tell a lie if we think we can get away with it? And why do we feel the need? Fear? Embarrassment? I remember taking our brand new car out for the first time and backing into a mailbox. I was 22 and newly married. When I got home I didn’t say a word. My husband noticed the dent the next morning when he got in the car to drive to work. He was furious. I’m not sure I ever copped to the truth. I was way too scared.
What else do women commonly lie about? The most common lie I hear is women who hide new clothes for a couple weeks. When they finally wear the new clothing and their husband asks, they simply reply: no, this isn’t new. I’ve had it awhile. (Well, it’s kinda true.) I have to admit, I’ve been there. So glad that’s all in my past. It’s way too stressful.
Is my partner the one?
What if you don’t know if your partner is the right one for you? We have met a lot of people who come into counseling because they have serious doubts about whether they made the right choice in a partner.
The way we work with couples and the way it usually works out is a few sessions of very honest communications. Each person puts their concerns on the table and we work through them. It usually starts with some skill building as very few people are good listeners. The other half of that communication skill is learning how to own what is going on inside you without blaming your partner. Most people don’t even know they are blaming the other and find it difficult to own their own feelings.
After practicing these skills it comes down to being honest about what you don’t like in the relationship and what you would need for it to go forward. It hurts to hear what is being said but if you can get through it and agree to any changes, compromises or requests, then your relationship has a greater chance of succeeding. Sometimes, the clear communication allows both parties to understand what is happening and change happens with an agreement that it really isn’t working. Then the mutual ending is a smooth and oftentimes peaceful one. The last scenario is one where one person doesn’t agree which leads to a lot of sadness in the breakup.
The best outcome, no matter which of these three descriptions happens, depends upon the honesty of both parties. You need to speak your truth but should always make it the “sweet truth”. Don’t go out of your way to make yourself feel good but strive for mutual respect. By doing this you guarantee the best possible outcome, which is always growth.
Why bother?
Why bother working on your relationship? Life happens and your relationship happens right along with it. There is no time to work on a relationship with your jobs, children, money worries and more. Working on it takes work.
Well, what if you could be happier? What if it felt like life became smoother? What if you felt like you had a partner who always had your back, who had your best interests at heart? A wise man once said that a great relationship was one were each person took care of the other persons needs, so much so that the first person didn’t even need to think about what they wanted. That way they never needed to worry about what they needed because it was taken care of. This might be an ideal to strive for, or not but it does make one think. There really is no end or finish line for a good relationship. It can just keep building, developing, growing and deepening.
With today’s incredibly fast-paced and over scheduled life you might believe working on your relationship is a good idea but not for you or not right now. I would like to suggest trying to put just a little more attention on your communication or affection, something that would demonstrate to your partner that they are important. It doesn’t take any effort and hardly any time but the rewards are tremendous. Why don’t you try it, you’ll like it.
Would you rather be right or be happy?
We get a lot of people who come in because their fights have escalated to the point where they no longer want to be together. They talk about how they can’t get out of them and how no one is willing to take the first step to ending it. What does it take to stop the habit of an ever-escalating pattern where both of you always want to be right?
The answer is….. making the other person feel heard. What that means is that you temporarily put aside the point or points you want to make and listen to what they have to say. Hopefully they will know how to talk about how they feel without blaming you. You can then repeat back or paraphrase what you thought you heard. Your partner will tell you whether you were right or not. If you were right ask your partner to say a little more. Keep the process going for a few minutes. You will be able to tell when your partner is done. There will be a visible sign like a deep sigh, maybe a smile or they might say they have nothing left to talk about. At this point you could talk about what was going on for you OR you could just let it go, appreciating the fact that you are both on good terms again.
After practicing this for a while it would be good to have a discussion about who goes first next time. In a good relationship both partners take turns bringing the relationship back from the brink. That means that when you see something start to escalate between you, one of you takes responsibility for the relationship and calms it down. That means listening to our partner, backing down from your position or just telling your partner that you love them and don’t want to fight. It takes two people to fight and if one of you is not participating then there is no fight. Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?
How to meet a man
Oprah did a show recently on how to meet a man if you’re over 35. Fascinating. The number one thing mentioned was women, if you want to meet a man, never go out of the house without dressing up and looking hot. Short skirt would be nice, and a little make-up, even if you’re just running out to get a newspaper or a cup of coffee. The women balked, of course. Why should I get dressed up if I’m just going to run out and do an errand. That’s not realistic. But the guys replied that as a general rule, they are extremely visual. That doesn’t mean that they’ll expect you to dress up every time they see you. It means, if you want to meet a man, and you’re just running to the store for some bread, why not do double duty… the errand and the opportunity to meet Mr. Right? If you want to make every trip out of the house an opportunity to meet a man, take the extra time to put yourself together before you go out. Okay, I can buy that. Maybe not a mini skirt and make up, but not tattered sweats and bags under your eyes, either. My question is: what about the guys? Why don’t they take a minute to put themselves together before stepping out their front door. Why the double standard? We can appreciate the beauty of a well put together man every bit as much as they can appreciate us. True, many women feel they can fix their guy once they’ve caught him, but what about those of us that would rather he already have this skill? Why can’t we expect the same visual candy as the guys who want us to be dressed to kill?
Next, men want women to give them some indication that we’re interested in them. This, according to the men, was done all through the eyes. Men say they can tell with a single glance if we’re interested and they’ll follow up on that glance IF THEY’RE INTERESTED. In other words, if you’ve caught a man’s eye, he will make the next move. If he doesn’t, he’s not interested. No need to make another advance. Men, like women, do not want to risk rejection. Show the man you would like to talk, and he’ll follow your lead.
Another interesting point, go where the men are (golf course driving range, hardware store) and ask for help. Men do not mind being interrupted. In fact, they like it, assuming of course that they are available. (Check for a ring.) Men like the chance to interact with a woman without that fear of rejection. Important: do not talk on the cell phone while you are out by yourself and wanting to meet a man. They will not risk interrupting your phone conversation to talk to you. Many women talk on the phone while out alone so they don’t appear to be desperate or obvious. Do not do this. Think about it. Would you interrupt a man talking on his cell phone to ask him to help you swing a golf club? Another hint, if trying to meet a man at the local Home Depot, do not hang around the paint section with all the other women. Go to the lumber section, or the section with with the rows and rows of screws. Much easier to find a man and ask a question…
Bottom line, women must be willing to put themselves out and not wait for Mr. Right to approach them. Men fear rejection just as much as we do. Start with the eyes…..show your interest. If you’re brave enough to take another step, ask for their assistance. They assure us they’ll do the rest.